100% true

I promise the story I am about to tell is 100% true. Take the 2 minutes and read it as it’s pretty funny. The only thing that has been altered is the name of the girl involved; I’ll call her Shelly.

So Shelly and I have spent a lot of time together; 2 straight months up until I had to move in with a Swazi family. We are very close. Now we are even closer. On Friday we went to a house party. As we approached the house, Shelly decided to jump down a few stairs. As it had been raining, the grass was very slippery and the landing being on a slant didn’t help matters either. Upon landing, I hear a scream, “oh my god, oh my god, I broke my ankle.” We take Shelly inside and sure enough her foot and ankle are already swollen and black and blue. We decide (because beer and vodka enhance your ability to reason) that it’s only a bad sprain and for tonight, she’ll ‘rice’ (rest, ice, compress and elevate). A few hours into the party Shelly decides we should go to the hospital. We get someone to drive us 45minutes to a private clinic and drop us off. It is now around 1:30am.

I have to take a step back for a moment. Last week Shelly mentioned to me that she had hemorrhoids (as I mentioned we are close and tell each other everything….along with ‘Dolly’ the third party to our bosom buddy trio). The doctor arrives shortly after we do (the receptionist called him at home). We tell the doc what has happened and we prepare for x-rays. Just before we do I mention to Shelly that while we are here she should tell the doc about her haemorrhoids as they aren’t getting any better. She agrees. We both giggle. The doctor needs to do an ass exam. As I’m getting up to leave the room Shelly states boldly that no, I must remain and watch the exam. I laugh….like I said, beer and vodka enhance proper judgement. The doctor thinks we are nuts but starts the exam. Shelly drops her pants and bends over. The doctor puts on gloves and motions for me to apply the KY jelly (on his hand not her ass). I am no longer an observer; I am a helper!!! Yeeehaaa. Sure enough, I see the hemorrhoids - ouch. It’s not good the doctor claims.

We head off to the x-ray room. Again I play the helper role. There is no technician so I am punching numbers into the x-ray machine as ordered by the doctor. I even get to take the x-ray! He takes me into the ‘black room’ where we develop the x-ray. Can Shelly help too – no! This is for professionals only. Sure enough her foot is broken. Luckily it is only a minor fracture and she only needs a cast for a few weeks.

Back to the hemorrhoids. A surgeon is called into the hospital. He too does an exam but I pay no attention as I’m an ol’pro now. Bad news. BAD NEWS!!! Shelly needs surgery on Monday. I AM NOT JOKING. THIS GIRL JUST BROKE HER FOOT AND FINDS OUT SHE NEEDS ASS SURGERY IN SWAZILAND. She’ll be in the hospital for a few days. We are crying and laughing. We need water, food and a drive home. It is now 5am. We call everyone. Finally someone answers the phone and comes to the hospital and takes us to where we are staying. Brutal.